When Autism Shapes a Relationship: How Couple Therapy Can Help

Romantic relationships do not come with a universal manual. That is especially true when one or both partners are autistic. Many autistic adults deeply want emotional connection and closeness in their romantic relationships (Cheak-Zamora et al., 2019). But too often, couples run into relationship struggles not because they do not care about each other, but because they communicate very differently, show feelings and stress differently, and make different assumptions about what closeness is supposed to look like. 

Initial research suggests that couple therapy can help as it moves away from blaming one partner and instead helps both people better understand each other. Although research on clinical work for couples involving autistic adults is still relatively limited (Parker & Mosley, 2021; Stafford, 2023), several helpful themes emerged: therapists should use a non-deficit approach, attend to both partners’ distress, and help couples build a relationship that works for them rather than pushing them toward a single idea of what is “normal.”

One reason this matters is that autism can change how a couple understands the story of their relationship. A qualitative study by Lewis (2017) shows that when partners initially came to understand their partner had autism, they reported distress. However, with learning about ASD, some of them were able to see this as a possible new beginning of their relationship with the ongoing process of learning to “speak the same language.” Within couple therapy, sometimes simply realizing that the same interaction may have been experienced very differently by each partner can open the door to more compassion and forgiveness within the relationship.

More specifically, Aston (2008) suggested that creating a shared signal or a code word for moments of feeling overwhelmed may be especially helpful. For example, if one partner feels close to shutting down, having a meltdown, or becoming too flooded to continue a discussion, a pre-agreed word can signal, “Let’s pause and come back to this later.” A similar signal can also be used to communicate the need for alone time. The key is for both partners to understand that needing space is not necessarily rejection; in relationships with autistic partners, it may be an important way of regulating distress. Couples can work together with therapists to decide what amount of space and time feels fair and workable for both partners.

Couples may also benefit from being more direct about intimacy and affection (Lewis, 2017). Some autistic partners may have difficulty picking up on subtle nonverbal cues, including cues related to initiating sexual intimacy. In these situations, it may help to develop a clearer and more explicit way of communicating desire, rather than relying on hints or body language alone. When physical affection or sensory sensitivity is a challenge, sex therapy may also be useful. 

In couple therapy, it may also be helpful for couples to talk openly about how each person processes information best (Lewis, 2017). Some people prefer spoken explanations, while others understand better through text, email, written reminders, or shared calendars. Rather than assuming one style should work for both partners, couples may do better when they intentionally choose communication methods that fit each person’s needs.

At the same time, it is important not to overlook boundaries and safety. Giving a partner space during moments of being overwhelmed can be supportive, but harmful or abusive behavior should not be tolerated in relationships. In couple therapy, couples can also get support in learning the difference between accommodating stress responses and tolerating behavior that crosses important boundaries. At Bloom and Heal, we welcome couples involving autistic partners and are committed to helping you heal and connect more deeply with your partner.

References

Aston, M. (2008). The Asperger couple’s workbook: Practical advice and activities for couples and counsellors. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Cheak-Zamora, N. C., Teti, M., Maurer-Batjer, A., O’Connor, K. V., & Randolph, J. K. (2019). Sexual and relationship interest, knowledge, and experiences among adolescents and young adults with autism spectrum disorder. Archives of sexual Behavior, 48(8), 2605-2615. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-1445-2

Lewis, L. F. (2017). “We will never be normal”: The experience of discovering a partner has autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(4), 631-643. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12231

Parker, M. L., & Mosley, M. A. (2021). Therapy outcomes for neurodiverse couples: Exploring a solution‐focused approach. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(4), 962-981. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12526

Stafford, A. (2023). Relationship-counselling recommendations for partnerships involving autistic adults: A scoping review. Psychotherapy and Counselling Journal of Australia, 11(1). https://doi.org/10.59158/001c.77496